Are the People in Your Life Helping or Hurting You?

The relationships we have can either lift us up or drag us down. While we all need close connections with others, sometimes the people we let into our lives end up causing more pain than support. How can you tell if someone is good for you or not? And what red flags should you watch out for?

Here are the key things to look for:

Beware the Abandoners

Some people have a knack for starting relationships, but struggle to maintain them long-term. They may come on strong at first, making promises of friendship and loyalty. But when you really need them, they disappear. "Nice guys—where'd they go?" as one person put it.

Abandoners often have their own unresolved issues, like fear of intimacy or unrealistic expectations of perfection in others. If you find a pattern of short-lived connections in your life, pay attention to that red flag. Surround yourself with people who prove they can stick with you through good times and bad.

Critics are Not Your Friends

Another type of unsafe person is the harsh critic who focuses more on pointing out your flaws than encouraging you. They may see themselves as speaking hard truths out of love, but their words often tear down rather than build up.

Critics tend to be judgmental perfectionists who "confuse weakness and sinfulness." If you're drawn to overly critical people, you may end up plagued by guilt and anxiety, feeling like you can never measure up. Seek out friends who give you grace, not impossible standards.

The Perils of Irresponsibility

Then there are those likable, fun-loving people who seem great to be around - until their lack of responsibility catches up with them. Irresponsible people struggle with impulse control, following through on commitments, and considering consequences.

As one person advised about a financially irresponsible friend, "If you depend on them to do what they say, you can end up in trouble." You may find yourself constantly making excuses for them, paying for their mistakes, or getting caught in their self-destructive patterns. Enjoy their company, but set firm boundaries.

Character Counts Most Overall

When evaluating someone's trustworthiness, look beyond surface qualities to their underlying character. Things like integrity, honesty, humility, responsibility, and genuine care for others matter far more than charm or talent.

God does not use religious terms and language when he discusses people. He talks about how people treat him and others, and whether or not they get things done as they said they would.

By watching out for warning signs like abandonment, harsh criticism, and irresponsibility, you can start surrounding yourself with safer, more supportive people. Remember, having a need for connection is a good thing - but make sure you're meeting that need with people of solid character. As you learn to be discerning about who you let in close, your relationships will become a source of security and growth.

Reflection Questions:

1. Think of a past or present relationship that seemed promising at first but ended up being hurtful. What warning signs did you miss? What did you learn from that experience?
2. Are there any current relationships in your life displaying red flags like abandonment, critical judgments, or irresponsibility? What boundaries might you need to put in place?
3. How would you describe the character of the people you're closest to right now? Are they building you up or tearing you down?
4. In what ways could you become a safer, more trustworthy friend, family member, or partner to others? Where do you need to grow in consistency and follow-through?
5. What kind of community do you want to build for yourself moving forward? What character qualities will you look for and cultivate as you expand your circle?