Boundaries and Secrets

The word transparency can mean a lot of things in a relationship, but we're going to talk about a specific distinction that is important when thinking about boundaries and transparency. That is: the difference between personal information and secrets.

There is a phrase I love that you tend to hear in spy movies and it refers to information that is only available on a "need-to-know basis." Some people need access to certain information in order to get the necessary result, and others do not.

No one wants 100% transparency. There are times when it is not helpful to share information. For example, imagine a doctor providing treatment to a patient. The patient presents a symptom that could indicate an easily resolvable issue or a terminal disease. The doctor might consult with another doctor to determine the next course of action, but it wouldn't be appropriate to unnecessarily scare the patient by sharing information that would not be helpful. It would only scare the patient. As it becomes necessary in the course of treatment to share an appropriate amount of information, the patient's "need to know"access level increases.

When we decide not to be transparent, we should do so not simply out of a desire to exclude someone else, or a need to be better than another person, or a desire to hide something that could be important to the other person. We should do it out of wisdom, discernment, and out of love.

It is OK to have personal information. It's good that you don't put your social security number on a banner in front of your house. Some information is only for others on a "need-to-know" basis.

There are degrees of transparency in every relationship depending on how intimate the relationship is and what is in the service of the relationship. There is information that you would share with your spouse that you wouldn't (and shouldn't) necessarily share with other family members or your friends. The closer you get, the more personal information it will be OK to share. You may share passwords, access codes, important plans, goals, hopes, wishes, desires, and regrets. But those things are different from a secret. This is information that is personal, not information that is secret.

When it comes to secrets, it's important to ask: is this in the service of the relationship, or is it not in the service of the relationship?

Let's say we're talking about someone with a drug problem. This person does not want to stop taking drugs. They don't want help with their drug problem, and they don't want anyone to try to stop them from taking drugs, so they keep it a secret. Is that in the service of the relationship? Or is that in the service of their own selfish wants?

Look at the 'why.' The motive.

Sometimes things are not shared within the relationship because they would be destructive. I have worked with couples that are dating or in the engagement stage of their relationship, and they often wonder how much to share about their individual past and personal history.

I sometimes ask, "What is the person's motive for wanting to know that? What is their ability to handle that information?" If they are on a need-to-know basis in order to get the result that is best for the relationship, it is probably a good idea to share that information.

The point is: what is the lack of transparency in service of? Is it in the service of manipulating the relationship, so that the other party thinks that they are getting something that they are not actually getting? Such as honesty and truth in the relationship? Or is it in the service of withholding something because it's helpful and it serves the relationship?

Use that as the gauge to determine where to draw the boundaries around information that you share with others.