Defining Fear

Fear helps us to define our boundaries. We have to use this fear, rather than allow ourselves to be overcome by the fear. In order to do that, we need to understand the nature of our fears, and what they are indicating. Boundaries define what is our property to own, and what is not our property to own. Imagine a boundary line that surrounds not just your possessions, but also your thoughts, desires, cares, actions, choices, and values. We should fear things that would harm or diminish any of those things, and respond to that fear by setting boundaries that protect what is ours to own.

If we do not properly understand the fear that we feel, we run the risk of letting fear dictate our boundaries in a negative direction. For example, if we have a fear of being alone, we may find ourselves tolerating disrespectful or dangerous treatment from others so that we do not have to face the fear of being alone.

Feeling fear is normal. We respond with a fight, flight, or freeze response to our fears. Either we push against the experience, move away from it, or get paralyzed by it. We might find ourselves saying 'no' all the time out of fear, and having tiny boundaries that constrict our lives. Or on the other hand, if we allow our boundaries to be too open, we may invite a lot of things that will harm us into our lives. If we have the appropriate amount of fear of the right things and respond accordingly, we can use fear as a diagnostic for setting healthy boundaries.

Key concepts:

-Fear is a diagnostic. Be afraid of the right things.

-When it comes to boundaries, what you have to be afraid of is not setting the boundary, but what happens if you do set it or don't set it.

-If you listen to fear that tells you something will be difficult or that you might fail, you will not grow or get what you want. Say instead: "What happens if I don't do this?"

-Diagnose your fear. Is it good fear? Fear of losing something good is good fear.