Do You Have Enough Safe People in Your Life?

Many of us live our entire lives surrounded by barbed wire without any trees to break our fall. We try to pick safe, loving, faithful friends and spouses. And over and over again, we become disappointed and discouraged.

God created us to hunger and thirst for love, because love is our fuel. And God uses people to comfort us (2 Cor. 1:4). When we don’t have enough safe relationships regularly sustaining us, we can be in real spiritual and emotional trouble. Yet we may not be aware that a lack of safe people is the problem.

Research on athletics shows that when we work out, we need lots of water at short intervals. Otherwise, we risk dehydration, which can be serious. Yet, we often don’t feel thirst during exercise. In fact, the thought of water may make us feel nauseous during peak levels. In the same way, you may have acutely low levels of attachment inside. You may be “safety-deficient.” And yet you may not know that you’re in trouble. 

How can you evaluate if you’re “safety-deficient,” or running low on safe people? Take a look at how you are doing in two key areas of your life: relationships, and functioning. 

Relationships

The quality of our important friendships can tell us a great deal about how much safety we are receiving. Use the following questions as a guide to determine this:

Do you tend to be the “giver” in relationships, rather than having a mutual give and take?

Do you find that people approach you when they want something from you, and less to simply spend time with you? 

Is it difficult for you to open up about your real feelings and problems? 

Is it hard for you to see other people as a source of emotional and spiritual support? 

Do you prefer to be alone to deal with your problems? 

Have you become aware of a pattern in which things are okay when you’re not disclosing yourself, but that people withdraw from you when you are honest about yourself? 

Do you feel that God is the only person who really knows and loves all of you? 

Do you find yourself choosing people who invariably let you down over time? 

Are intimate, vulnerable, two-way conversations with others more of a rarity than a regular event?

Do you find most of your personal connections revolving more around activities than relationships? 

If you can identify with several of these questions, you may have some safety deficiencies in your life. Depending on your own personality structure and style, you’ll experience safety lacks in a variety of ways. 

Functioning 

How about your functional life? Work, activity, fun, and recreation are all about functioning. Many active, busy, productive people are surprised to find that their functioning levels have dropped for no apparent reason. This is often safety-related.

“Monday blues” is a good example. Everyone who’s ever worked knows the feeling of dread and lack of motivation that accompanies a return to the office after the weekend. Most of the time we explain Monday blues by contrasting the drudgery of work with the relief of weekends. 

Sometimes this is true. Often, however, people go from Friday to Sunday without any relational ties or connections. They may go to church, play softball, ski, or work around the yard–but with nary a soul-to-soul time of intimacy. This certainly wasn’t God’s intent when he instituted the Sabbath rest. Connection was a vital part, as when Jesus worshiped in a community with others on the Sabbath (Luke 4:16).

In other words, Monday blues isn’t always about how bad work is. It may be about how depleted we are from the lack of intimacy in our lives. 

Another sign of safety deficits is difficulty in completing tasks. Have you ever looked at the pile of projects on your desk or around the house and thought, “Might as well torch the lot of it. I’ll never get it all done.” 

Generally speaking, the first solution that comes to mind is discipline and organization. Get it scheduled out. Plan the time. Stick with it. And often, discipline does help. Just as often, however, our safety deficits sabotage our ability to get things done. 

Why? Because of how God constructed us. We can’t be finishers with an empty relational tank, no matter how committed and sincere we are. The fuel to be an aggressive self-starter is often simply not there. Remember, before God gave us our job description of subduing and ruling the earth, he first created us to be in relationship to each other (Gen. 1:27-28).

Here’s a partial list of other functioning problems that can have safety deficits at their root:

-Lapses in concentration

-Inability to think creatively

-Loss of energy

-Motivation problems

-Failure to achieve goals

It takes lots of drive and energy to function. And if you’re surrounded by the wrong people, you can be seriously hampered in this area.