Fighting For a Win-Win Solution

Conflict is normal in love. It is not a relationship-ender; it is part of love. You need to know this, because it is true. In fact, good conflict enhances a good love life. Am I kidding? No. This may not make sense, at least on the surface. But be open, and press on.

Sometimes couples have the impression that conflict is the main problem in their relationship. “If we could just stop fighting, we can get back the closeness we both want,” they will say. It is true that some fighting can be quite destructive and love-destroying. Yet most of the time, conflict is not the problem. The issue is the way that couples disagree and argue. I am going to show you how to avoid the dumb ways to have conflicts, and how to do it in a way that helps. Because you will argue. You will disagree. You will have differences of opinion. If you don’t, one of you is not necessary.

I will offer tips and help on how to use conflict to enhance love, intimacy, and passion. Couples who know how to disagree in ways that redeem, heal, and connect find that they are closer and more loving.

Why Fight Anyway?

Couples who know how to fight right will love right. Healthy arguments are an important part of connection, reconnection, and passion. After all, at its healthy core, fighting is about love. It is an attempt to resolve differences so that love can return or grow. When people fight, they are defining themselves so that two distinct people can be close and yet keep their distinctness. A fight is a vigorous way to solve the problem of two people disagreeing while wanting to remain connected.

Ironically, a benefit of good fighting is that it can lead to passion and romance. Fighting clarifies the definitions of the two people. One partner becomes aware that the other partner is not an extension of him or herself and has his or her own thoughts and feelings, and vice versa. This awareness creates a healthy space between the two lovers. That space is necessary to create passion, longing, and desire. Like chemicals need their space in a test tube to interact and become volatile, two people can’t become excited about each other if they are not sure who is who.

There are many kinds of fights. Some are about preferences (movies and restaurants). Some are about values (honesty and faithfulness). Some are about communication (“I never said I thought you should continue working on weekends”). Some are about our own issues (baggage from the past). No matter what sparks the fight, you need a way to address these and any other disagreements you might have.

Keep the Goal in Mind

Couples who fight well keep the goal in mind: connection. It’s all about your love life and about the relationship. It’s not about fixing, being right, or proving wrong. Certainly you must focus on the problems themselves, but that is not the ultimate goal. What is important is not the problem; it is how the problem affects the relationship. It distances the two of you. It works against the connection.

This is easy to miss in the heat of the argument. Fighting can bring out the three-year-old in us, and it can easily escalate to power plays and revenge. But you must begin and end with the goal in mind: This is about our relationship. This is about having a better connection.

In the heat of a fight, beware of the need to get things off your chest. We all need a little catharsis now and then, but realize that this may work better in a subsequent conversation with your lover in order to keep the present fight from needing too much damage control. Some relationships can do well with this kind of unloading, and others can’t. Sometimes people need somewhere else to blow off steam so that they can keep the relational goal in mind.

Be Direct and Specific

Good fighters are direct and specific. When you are direct, you give your partner someone to talk to. Being indirect causes distance and anxiety. The other partner knows something is wrong but has nowhere to go with it, because his indirect partner is being evasive. So he either gets really mad or shuts down.

When you are specific, your partner knows exactly what you are seeing as the problem, and, hopefully, what steps are required to change things. Many fights center on vague charges, such as, “You do the wrong things and don’t do the right things.” Where can you go with that?

If your husband isn’t doing his share with the kids after work, tell him that: “I don’t think you are doing your share with the kids after work.” That gives him somewhere to go. Tying criticism to the relationship is key. “When you disappear on the internet, I feel really alone and disconnected from you. It’s not good for me or for us.” Then follow up with, “Go ahead and take a few minutes to unwind. But I really need you with me and with the kids as soon as you’re done.” Now you are being direct and specific.

Keep it Two-Way

Good fighting is much more than conveying your feelings and requests. It is a dialogue between two people. Don’t get caught in thinking that if you say your piece, it’s all done. Most likely, your lover has his own realities and emotions about the situation, and he needs equal time. Only after he has his say can you solve the problem. If you fail to make it a conversation, things will only end up with alienation or escalation.

As a couple, learn to keep the conversation two-way. Each of you should become as concerned about hearing the other’s viewpoint as you are about being heard. For starters, get used to saying, “When I am done I want to know what you think, because I want this to be about the two of us. And then we need to come up with a solution together.”

Have a Structure

Ever notice how some of your fights are often the same fight over and over again? Each of you knows what the other will say. That is a signal that the issue has not been resolved. It needs to be resolved for good if possible, and that will require some structure. Here are four examples.

Traffic Cop. When discussion involves a lot of diverting, missing the point, blaming, defensiveness, and moving into separate issues, one of you needs to be the traffic cop. Stop the flow for a moment and say, “We’re losing focus here. This is about our relationship and getting in a better place. I brought up your temper because it cuts me off, and I get scared of you. I need to get back to that so we can get it resolved.”

Time Limits. The fight shouldn’t get in the way of life, activities, and schedules, unless it is some sort of a crisis. Sometimes the disagreement seems to be the only reality for one of the partners, and she feels she must go into every nuance and detail of the situation, which is seldom necessary. If the discussion is not moving forward, set a time limit. Having a time parameter will often help you stay focused and more mindful that you have a goal to reach.

Agree Beforehand on Escalation. If one of you doesn’t tend to stay in control but gets extremely loud, raging, or even violent, agree beforehand that escalation isn’t all right and will not be tolerated. Determine what you will do when that happens so that both of you are aware. You might say, “If you go beyond normal anger to yelling and cursing at me, I will end this and walk out. We’ll address this at some other time.” If your partner has a real problem with escalation, you may have to follow through with this several times, sometimes with the help of others, to ensure that you require a certain level of self-control on your mate’s part.

Don’t Avoid All Anger. Relationships have passion, and anger is part of passion. But pay attention to the degree and tone of anger. The degree should not be so great that it distances or scares your partner. (If one of you is afraid of anger in general, however, that’s an individual problem that needs its own work.) The anger should also be “clean” in tone. That is, it should not be sarcastic, vengeful, or “guiltyfying.” It should be appropriate to the matter at hand. When the issue is dealt with, the anger it sparked should go away. If it does not, something else is going on inside the person that needs to be dealt with.

Normalize Fighting

Normalize your arguments by taking the fear and power out of them. Couples who become anxious and avoidant about fighting either will not solve their problems, or will have enormous blowups when they do argue. It is not uncommon for couples in love to have some sort of disagreement every day, ranging from what time dinner was to how much someone spent. These disagreements don’t have to be a big deal, but they will be if you try to avoid them.

When you and your partner are not fighting, refer to your fights as part of your life together: “Remember that trip we took the river? It was the day after that fight we had about your mother’s visit.” And when you are fighting, talk about it in the “now”: “Look, I know we’re both mad right now, but I want you to know that I love you and I want us to be safe with each other.” These sorts of things help integrate love, truth, reality, and passion into the connection.

Above all, remember that fighting is not done for its own sake. Fighting is for the sake of love, relationship, and connection. Any argument should bend on its knee to love.