Finding Your Safe People

Our relationships are the most powerful in our lives, for good and for bad. Our best relationships fuel us. They help us to grow and to be our best selves, they connect us with our purpose, and they connect us with other safe people. They bring us closer to our values, and to God. Unsafe people do the opposite. They suppress our growth, push us away from our goals, and lead us astray.

When it comes to finding safe people, it is important to look for certain qualities, but it's also important to understand what you need from your relationships.

If you find yourself saying, "How do I find these people?" Here is the first question to ask:

What kind of results are you getting with the methods that you are currently using?

There are some people who grew up in good relationships and they do well at avoiding bad ones, and they kind of naturally have a strong 'people picker.' They naturally open up. They find themselves at work gravitating to like-minded people who are compatible with them, and having good companions for lunch. They process what's going on with their relationships and understand what is working and what is not. They may find these people elsewhere, such as in a group that they belong to, or at church, or in their neighborhood.

It comes because they have the internal structure and programming to be able to make these kinds of connections happen.

Developing those qualities within ourselves means finding relationships that can meet our needs. If we have issues to work on (and who doesn't?) then we have to resolve those in order to be able to connect with our safe people more easily. If you are going through depression, some significant stress, or other difficult situation, it may be difficult to connect with safe people right now.

When this happens, it's time to 'up the structure.'

When you need more than your current group of friends give you because you're not feeling good, you need to find the kind of structure that does offer it. If you're feeling depressed, you may need a relationship with someone who hangs a sign outside their door that says 'I help people who are feeling depressed' (we're talking about a therapist here, of course).

Think about what you need. What kind of support do you need? Addiction counseling? Grief recovery? Coping with an addict that you live with? Career advancement? Financial help? Losing weight?

Some people are really great at working out. They call it a bad day if they don't get to go to the gym. I call that a relief. I need the structure... I have to go to a class at a certain time, where there is a teacher or a trainer, or with a friend, where there is some mutual accountability.

When it comes to working on my physical fitness, my safe people are not my immediate social connections. They are the people that will help me move toward my goals. Who are the safe people that you need to help you meet your current needs, and move towards your goals?