Honesty and Intimacy

Deception damages a relationship. The act of lying is much more damaging than the things that are being lied about, because lying undermines the knowing of one another and the connection itself. The point at which deception enters is the point at which relatedness ends. As someone once told me about his fiancee, “I think she has told me everything, and then I find out one more thing that she fudged on.” Ultimately, he called off their marriage because his trust had been seriously eroded.

Couples deceive each other in many ways. Sometimes spouses lie over small things, such as spending too much. At other times, they lie about serious things, such as affairs. In our way of thinking, anything, large or small, is forgivable and able to be worked through in a relationship–except deception. Deception is the one thing that cannot be worked through because it denies the problem. It is the one unforgivable sin of a relationship because it makes forgiveness unattainable.

Some Guidelines

We believe in total honesty. But, honesty must go along with love and commitment, forgiveness, holiness and sanctity. Honesty without these other values does not give the offended spouse a reason for hope that the problem will not reoccur.

Here are some areas that couples find difficult to be honest about:

• Feelings
• Disappointments
• Desires, likes, and dislikes
• Hurts
• Anger and hatred
• Sex
• Sins
• Failure
• Needs and vulnerabilities

Deeper Intimacy

Intimacy comes from “knowing” the other person at a deep level. If there are barriers to honesty, knowing is ruled out and the false takes over. Couples often live out years of falsehood trying to protect and save a relationship, all the while destroying any chance of real relationship.

It can’t be stressed enough: the importance of being able to share with each other your deepest feelings, needs, hurts, desires, failures, or whatever else is in your soul. If you and your spouse can feel safe enough in your marriage to be totally vulnerable, if you can remove each other’s fig leaves, then once again your marriage can return to a state of paradise. True intimacy is the closest thing to heaven we can know.

For a Reason

Most of the time, in otherwise good marriages, deception takes place for “defensive reasons” In other words, the dishonest spouse is often lying not for evil reasons, but to protect himself. Fears drive the deception. This does not excuse the lying, but it does complicate matters. For spouses to tell the whole truth, they must deal with their fears first.

Here are some common fears:

• Fear of real closeness and being known
• Fears of abandonment and loss of love if they are known
• Fears of being controlled and possessed if they are known
• Fears of being seen as “bad” or not good enough if some part of them is known
• Fears of their own desires, needs, and feelings

To live a life of total honesty, you will need to work out the deeper issues that get in the way.

What you can do in your relationship is make a total commitment between the two of you to:

1. Have enough grace to tell the truth. Promise that you will never punish your spouse for being honest. This doesn’t mean that there will be no consequences, but punishment, shame, and condemnation should not be part of those consequences.
2. Give each other free rein to question and check out things with each other. Don’t be offended by the other spouses need to understand some facts that do not add up. Don’t retort defensively, “What? Don’t you trust me?”
3. Police each other when you see your spouse not being totally honest. This can even be harmless and fun, but hold each other to the truth.
4. Become a partner in your spouse’s life to heal the underlying fears of being honest. If your spouse’s issue is abandonment, for example, show him that you are not going to treat him like whoever abandoned him before.
5. Take responsibility for your own dishonesty and its underlying fears, and make a commitment to resolving them. Become a person of the truth, and find someone else besides your spouse to hold you accountable. Get a friend to help you tell the truth when you are afraid.
6. Use discernment. While total honesty is the ideal, every relationship is not ready for total knowing and being known. Some truths are not ready to be dealt with yet. Some people are too fragile or are in special circumstances, and they need help to deal with some things, or the timing needs to be right. Use wisdom to know what your relationship can handle and what it is not ready for. Check out other resources, such as counseling, healing, time, or other people, that may be needed for honesty to work.

If you are to build a strong relationship, make a commitment to each other of total honesty. But remember, honesty must be accompanied by enough grace to hear and deal with the truth it brings. God always asks us to be honest with him in light of his grace for us, so you have to be able to deal with and accept the truth expressed to you as well. Talk with each other about how this value can become the bedrock of all that you do together, and then protect against deception and build in honesty. It will pay you back many, many times.