How to Deal with Narcissists in Your Relationships

What do you do when you’re on the other end of a relationship with a narcissist?

It’s good to know what you’re dealing with.

The first thing that you need to do is to normalize your feelings. You can’t get strategic with your emotions until you label them appropriately. Right now, in this relationship, you’re probably feeling disregarded, ignored, treated poorly, condescended to, like somebody is acting as if they are superior.

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As a ‘normal’ person, you expect other people to be ‘normal’ like you are. When they’re not, you’ll sometimes react by thinking that something is wrong with you. This is untrue. They are trying to make you feel not good enough because they need to feel better.

When you feel like you are ‘less than,’ don’t see that as ‘Oh… there is a good reason why I feel this way.’

You feel unfulfilled and like you are not ‘enough’ because they’re not meeting your needs.

Just like you don’t walk out into a rainstorm without understanding that you are going to get wet, likewise, when you are in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, realize the reason that you feel bad is because of the ways that they treat you. You feel ignored because this person is all about themselves. You feel condescended to because this person thinks they are special.

Now when you walk out into the rain you will understand what is happening. Maybe you decide not to go outside. Maybe you bring an umbrella or put a raincoat on because you know what happens and what to expect if you don’t. If you want to exist in and restore and repair this relationship, then you’ve got to give up the need and expectation for them to be something else. Don’t expect empathy. Don’t expect mutuality. Just expect them to be themselves, and normalize it so that you’re no longer reacting. This will put you in a position to be proactive.

The next thing to do is to have someone else to talk to. If this is an important relationship to you, then you have to find someone who is a partner with you in making the relationship work. Sometimes when you go to an individual therapist for marital problems, they are serving you and not necessarily the relationship as a unit or entity of its own. The key is to find someone who has a stake in or deeply understands your want to fix the relationship. Get somewhere where you are not invisible and the situation with the relationship is understood.

Often you will find that there are patterns that need to end in order for the relationship to thrive. And while you should never take this lightly, sometimes there are relationships that have to end in order for you to thrive.

There are some generally helpful things that you can do to understand whether you need a ‘normal’ solution or a specialized solution.

Start to give some feedback. Say “I want to talk about our relationship. Tell me what you want for our relationship.

Do you want the same things? If they say they want a good relationship, then you can say something like:

“Sometimes I feel like I have a hard time finding a place for the times that I need something, or when I feel hurt, but I don’t really know how to make you aware of what I am feeling, or if I want you to do something differently. I know you want a good relationship for us, but sometimes what you are doing pushes me away.”

Then give them a list of things that could be done differently. If they hear you and respond well, you can work with that. But with a narcissist, you may encounter a defensive response. You need to find a way to stay in there with them with empathy. “I didn’t mean to accuse you, U just want to find a way to make this work better.”

If you can empathize and give them enough safety, they might be able to come back and respond to the empathy in time. They may really want the relationship to work, but they may need some help getting to a point of listening and understanding. Always stay in empathy. Hear and validate what they are saying.

Create safety for them to be able to display some imperfection. If someone can share their imperfection, they’ll be more likely to open up. When they hear: “One of the things that I’ve struggled with…” they think, ‘ok well maybe I can discuss some of my issues and struggles too.’

Being ‘real’ is contagious, even with some people who have narcissistic tendencies.

You don’t want them to feel criticized by feedback. “How can I give you feedback in a way that doesn’t feel so awful to you?” In saying this, you’re trying to invite the vulnerability out.

Sometimes they will not respond well. They don’t just get defensive. They will attack.

Taking this kind of abuse will wear you down over time. Sometimes when you’re dealing with this type of behavior, which can even extend past any reasonable line toward abuse, that’s where the limits have to come in.

“Look, I really want to talk about this, but I’m not going to do it with screaming and name-calling. Frankly, I feel a little scared and unsafe right now and I’m worried that you could hurt me. So I’m going to place myself in another setting.

Don’t take abuse. That’s not what we’re talking about in being empathic. If empathy is working and they have the ability to show some vulnerability that you can work with, great. If not, that person may need to talk to a therapist themselves, and you may also need couples’ counseling together.

If you’re going to make a relationship with a narcissist work, then you may need to add some structure by saying something like, “Here are the times that we are going to do what I want, and here are the times that we will do what you want.” Now you’re fulfilling some of the developmental limits that mom and dad should have done. Typically speaking, narcissistic people have never gotten love and limits at the same time. They can’t integrate.

When narcissists can get a combination of empathy and understanding, with limits, and a place to start to feel safe being less than perfect, they may be able to get to a place where they can begin to give up the narcissistic behavior.

On the other hand, if someone is going to continue to behave like a rabid dog, you’re not going to be able to work with them until there are limits that ensure safety and more protective structures.

This won’t help everybody. There are some people that need even bigger limits set upon them. They may get fired. They may go to prison. They may lose everything. They need to have a humbling experience that may eventually show them that the problem lies within them.

Setting aside any issues that obviously need to be considered in order to protect your safety, one of the biggest things that you need to figure out in the context of a possible relationship with a narcissistic person is: is the relationship worth it? What is your relationship with this person? How important is it? What’s the future of this relationship? Decide whether it’s worth it and let that inform your choices and the strategies that you’ll use.