How to Prepare for a Difficult Conversation

Preparing for a difficult conversation can be, in and of itself, a daunting and difficult task. You get overcome by a nervous feeling, a sense of dread about how it may go. You question whether you might not be better off continuing to put up with whatever the issue is. You worry about their reaction. And that's where I'd like to stop you because it's time to have a difficult conversation with yourself.

All we can control is what we can control–ourselves. We can have great influence over others, but we cannot control them. The key skill that you'll need in order to have a difficult conversation successfully is self-control.

There are some basic tips that you can follow in order to prepare for a difficult conversation that will help it to go more smoothly.

Get clear about what's important. Ask yourself, "What is the bottom line here about what I'm fighting for or what I want to happen?" Is it emotional? Is it financial? Psychological? Is it about control?

Examine where the emotions are coming from. When emotions are flying high we tend to be less focused and significantly worse at making decisions. You need to understand your emotions in order to have self-control. Consider whether you need to do some healing first in order to have a greater capacity to keep emotional reactions in check.

Practice before you play the game. Role-play can feel a little corny sometimes, but the truth is it is effective. Think about a mock trial. Attorneys prepare for a client deposition this way. Politicians get grilled by someone on their team ahead of a debate. When you feel it first in practice, you'll see how it gets you thinking and behaving in the real situation. Find a friend to play the other party.

Write down what you want the outcome to be. This will help you protect against leaving a window of possibility or uncertainty open for the other person to try to take advantage of. This is OK if you have gone into the conversation with the understanding that a range of possible outcomes may be acceptable, so long as you are clear that any given outcome is merely 'possible.'

End with a good relationship, if possible. How do things have to go in order for this to happen? Try to conduct the conversation with this ending in mind. If you want to end the conversation with the relationship being better off afterward, you're not going to do something to make it worse during the course of the talk.