How To Stop a Behavior That's Bothering You

Think for a moment about this question: IS anyone in your life doing something you would like him or her to quit doing? It is probably easy to think of someone who does something that bothers you. In fact, given enough time, you could think of more than one person. For most people, there are several situations in life where a relationship would go better if someone would stop doing a particular thing. For others, it goes beyond “things would go better”–it could mean a relationship or even a person’s life would be saved.

Generally, behavior you would like stopped falls into one of four categories:

1. If he stopped doing it, you would stop being bothered or hurt.
2. If she stopped doing it, your relationship would improve.
3. If he stopped doing it, he would be better off.
4. If she stopped doing it, other people would stop being hurt or be better off. 

This doesn’t only apply to significant things that can be very hurtful. Some things that require talking about can be quite small. Consider the following possibilities, large and small, ranging anywhere from annoying to life-threatening:

• Tardiness
• Hurtful attitudes
• Addictions
• Verbal or physical abuse
• Irresponsibility
• Controlling Behavior
• Betrayal or unfaithfulness
• Dishonesty
• Abusing a friend or family member’s generosity
• Messiness
• Overspending and financial problems
• Insensitivity
• Passivity or lack of follow-through on promises
• Disrespect

The list could go on and on. There is no shortage of ways people hurt each other. But we have all avoided confronting some people when we should have, and when we have mustered up the courage to broach the subject with someone, the conversation has not gone well. Let’s go over some principles to apply when you need to talk with someone about their behavior. It can be one of the stickiest situations you ever have to deal with, but it can also be one of the most redemptive.

Prepare Before You Confront

If you prepare before the confrontation, the chances of a helpful outcome are much greater than if you just fly by the seat of your pants or react and confront in the moment. Here is a three-pronged approach to confrontation:

1. Act justly
2. Love mercy
3. Walk humbly with your God

Here, “act justly” means that justice, or what is right and good, is important. When something is wrong, we should move to address it. Remember that when you prepare to confront someone’s behavior, that you are doing a good and right and helpful thing. This will keep you honest in the confrontation and will help you avoid the tendency to minimize the problem or the issue or to not take a firm enough stand against whatever is wrong.

To “love mercy” primarily signals kindness and compassion. It means to bow to someone in kindness, favor, and good deeds–in other words, to be “good” to them, showing understanding and love. It is very easy to be “mean” in exercising justice, since the truth can be tough on people. But to “love mercy” says that in administering truth in confrontation, we must be kind and compassionate as well as honest.

When you put these two qualities together, there is much greater possibility for things going well than if you were only administering justice or only giving mercy.

When we talk about walking humbly with your God, what we mean is that you do not assume the role of God the Judge, condemning the person or delivering punishment. Instead, in your evaluating, you identify with the person you are confronting as a fellow imperfect struggler and do not “lord it over him.” You remain as equal. Put this attitude into action when you confront and you are much more likely to get a good and redemptive outcome.

Know When to Confront and When to Let Go

One thing some people don’t do very well is evaluate the appropriateness of a confrontation. In today’s culture of people growing and learning how not to “enable,” some are like kids with a new toy. They feel as if every behavior they do not like should be confronted, or that every behavior that is not okay should be confronted all the time. This can be a problem.

There is a time for confronting and a time for letting go. Some people have expectations out of line for where a person is in his spiritual growth or maturity cycle.

Before confronting, ask yourself, “Is this the proper time for this? Are there other issues this person needs to understand first? Does she need to feel safer before I bring this up?” Evaluate carefully both the person and the relationship to know whether or not this is the time to confront. Some things are not worth the fight. Remember that the relationship is what is important, and if a particular skirmish will cause you to win the fight but lose the war, then you might do well to wait.

Clarify Your Motives

When you clarify your motives–the “why” or the purpose of the confrontation–you can really affect the outcome. In general terms, here are good motives for a confrontation in which you want someone to stop doing something:

• You confront to help yourself–the person’s behavior is causing a problem for you.
• You confront to help the relationship–the person’s behavior is causing a breakdown in intimacy or the workability of the relationship.
• You confront to help the other person–stopping the behavior would be good for him or her.
• You confront to help third parties–the person’s behavior is hurting others.

When you know why you are confronting, it helps you to stay focused on the issue. When you clarify inside yourself the purpose of the confrontation, you will be much clearer and more focused in the talk itself.

Understand the Three Possible Reactions to Confrontation

Confrontation doesn’t always go smoothly, and it may not even end “well”–if you define “well” as everyone singing merrily together afterward. But even when it does not, confrontation can have great value as a start, or even as one of many in a series of conversations a person may receive over time. When she hears the same song over and over again, one day she may experience a breakthrough. So don’t be dismayed if a confrontation doesn’t go smoothly or end “well.”

Basically, three things can happen:

1. You can be received well, the other person gets it, and it all ends well. They may even thank you for it.
2. You may face resistance, defensiveness, or some other form of opposition.
3. You may face not only resistance, but also retaliation. If this happens, the only thing you can do is protect yourself and take appropriate action. Sometimes, in extreme cases, because this scenario can’t be resolved through further confrontation, you may need to hire an attorney or call the police.

So be prepared for the different possibilities when you confront someone about his or her behavior.

Choose the Right Time and Place

Many people make the mistake of confronting an issue with someone when they are in the middle of experiencing it. In tougher conflicts, this may not be the time to have the talk. Too many sparks are flying for it to work well.

Choose another time when things are going more smoothly. At those times, when both of you are less reactive, there is a greater chance of things going well. At a later date, your emotions may not be confused, and you can observe the conflict itself. Cooler heads might prevail.

React with Shades of Intensity

Some people react to others’ faults like a toggle switch. No matter what has happened, they come on full strength or not at all. They react the same to a small thing as to a big thing. Remember that there are levels of faults, hurts, and transgressions. Check yourself to see if you are having the appropriate level of concern for what is happening.

Distinguish Between What You Prefer and What’s Wrong

Before you talk to someone about changing his behavior, figure out if what he is doing is really a “bad” thing, or something you just don’t like.

Failure to make this distinction commonly happens in a relationship in which one person is more structured than the other. One may be more orderly, time-conscious, budgeted, or organized than the other. The less structured one is looser and okay with things being more “unraveled.” Typically, the structured one feels that her way is the “right” way and approaches the conversation in that fashion.

Don’t moralize your preferences.

Avoid Saying “We Need to Talk”

When you are going to confront someone, remember the anxious position in which you are putting them. Put yourself in their shoes and remember that hearing about one’s faults is very unpleasant and may evoke fear. Their past experience with being confronted may have been hurtful, and they may be expecting the same from you.

Try, “Can we go for coffee tomorrow? There are some things I think will help our relationship, and I would like to discuss them with you.”

Sometimes the person will want to know what you want to talk about, but you may not be ready to tell. If you do not feel it is good to go into it then, just tell them you don’t want to talk about it until later, but offer some appropriate reassurance.

At other times, it is not appropriate to put someone at ease other than to empathize with how it must be for them. If you’ve had multiple confrontations over the issue or it is very serious, it is not true to say that it is no big deal or that they shouldn’t worry. Just empathize and say, “I don’t feel comfortable talking about it right now, but I’m sorry if that’s hard for you.”

Affirm Something Good

The person you are confronting needs to know that you intend good and not evil. When confronting about something negative, it is good to affirm something positive.

Start with something like:

“Joe, I love you and I am committed to our relationship. That’s why I want to talk about this issue. I want it to help us get closer.”

There is no right way to give assurance, and in some instances you may not even need to do it. Yet you probably know when affirming and validating would be a good idea. The words are not as important as getting across the message of desiring something good for the person and the relationship. State your end goal of wanting things to be better.

Get Specific and Be Clear

Be as specific and as clear as possible, using “I” statements when you are talking about yourself, and clear “you” statements when you are talking about the other person. Do not confuse the two. Then there is the issue itself.

Always remember that there are three things on the table: you, the other person, and the issue. Speak appropriately to each one.

One way to do this is the old formula of: “When you do ‘A,’ I feel ‘B,’ and I do not like it, and I don’t want that to happen anymore. All three sides of the triangle are there–the “you-issue-me” triangle.

Listen and Seek to Understand

Know that you may get a response that ranges from a total apology and ownership to outright defensiveness and denial. This is an important part of the dialogue. IT is good to seek a response, to ask the other person for their perspective on what you have said.

A confrontation is not a one-sided conversation. It is a dialogue, and it is important to let the person know that you want to hear their response. If the other person becomes defensive or attempts to get you off track, you need to do something that helps you stay centered and on track. When this happens…

Speak to the Feelings, Then Return to the Issue

Sometimes people get really lost in their confrontation because the other person throws them off course. Remember this formula: Empathize with the other person’s feelings or position, and return to your issue. Empathize and return. Empathize and connect with what the person says, and then stay clear again on the issue that you want to confront. Do not drift. Don’t get sidetracked or hooked into an argument. Just empathize with the other person’s response, and get back to your point.

Request Specific Change

Don’t only air the feelings. Have a specific request that can be fulfilled. Sometimes you may need to ask a person not only to stop a specific behavior, but also to deal with the larger picture. By making more extensive requests, one gets closer to the end goal of stopping the problem’s effects on others.

There are no “right” requests. Each situation is different, and at times you may not even have a request for change. But if you are serious about wanting a problem solved, be specific about what you want so the other person can know what to do and both of you will be able to tell whether or not it has been done.

If Limits Apply, Communicate Them

If denial or defensiveness can not be worked out through discussion alone, then it may be time for limits. Limits come in many forms, but a few are very important and most common.

1. You are not going to allow yourself to participate in the behavior anymore. This limit is on yourself and you are telling them what you will and will no longer do.
2. Some limits involve consequences that go further than setting limits with what you will participate in. Let them know that if the behavior goes on, the relationship may need to take a break, that you may involve authorities, that you may choose to speak only when a counselor or other third party is present, or that they may lose out on the opportunity.

Make a Plan For After the Confrontation

If necessary, make a plan for what will happen after the conversation. This is needed particularly if there has been a continuing pattern and you question the person’s willingness or ability to change the behavior. Many times, the person being confronted will give a very sincere, or sincere sounding, apology and the confrontation ends, but the behavior reappears soon thereafter. Obviously, it takes time to change, but sometimes the other person exhibits a pattern of non-change as opposed to an imperfect path of true change. So it is wise to be prepared for noncompliance.

In very difficult situations such as addictions, infidelity or physical abuse, the person being confronted should be required to commit to a process that addresses the cause of the problem, then if she drops out of the process, other consequences apply.

The best scenarios are the ones where both agree to a plan. Create a plan and ask for buy-in on it.

Look For Buy-In

Trust and reconciliation after a confrontation result from the other person’s taking ownership of her problem and its effects on you. When the other person blames you, excuses herself, or minimizes the problem, empathize with her view of the problem, but return to your position.

“I understand that you feel justified in what you did. No matter why you did it, it is not okay. I want to know that you can see that, so I can know it is not going to happen again.”

Be Patient–But Not Always

How long has it taken for you to get to your level of maturity? Are there still some areas in which you fail?

Sometimes we are not so patient with others. We sometimes expect instant change, or no slip-ups. We don’t give each other time to change. What should you do? How many times should you forgive?

The key here is the word repent. Repentance means more than someone saying, “Sorry.” It means he truly has had a change of mind about his behavior and shows it by changing direction. He turns around and does things differently. His turnaround may have missteps in it, but you can usually see whether he has changed or not. If he really is sticking to the plan and fails, and then repents and gets back into the plan, be patient.

Use Force, If Necessary

If there has been multiple confrontations and multiple “I’m sorry’s,” but each time, the person continues to fall back into the problem, it may be time for a less soft approach.

You may need to let someone know of the severity of the possible outcomes: “I am going to tell you the truth–I am scared for your life. You are very close to losing it. I am frightened for you.”

You may have warned them with a lot of softness and acceptance in the past, but it may now be time for a sharper approach.

Stay In Control of Yourself

Difficult people often have a strategy to get you upset and out of control. They can arouse your emotions until they are in control of you. Stay in charge of the only person you can control: yourself. Do not get hooked into saying something that you will regret. If you feel that happening, take a breath or a timeout before you say anything. There is nothing wrong with taking a timeout or letting them know that you need a moment to gather your thoughts. It is better to be silent than to say something you might regret.

Ask, “How Can I Do This?”

If a person is reacting to your feedback in a way that is shutting down the process, stop for a moment and ask a question:

“Joe, is there a way I can give you some feedback about your behavior that is not offensive to you?”

“Jim, are you open to feedback? If so, then tell me how to do it in a way that shows me you can listen and show your openness.”

They may not even realize that they are being defensive, so asking this kind of question gives them a chance to observe their defensiveness and get it under control.

Get To the Real Issue

The greater the other person’s ability to hear what you are saying and deal with the problem, the more smoothly the conversation will go. But if the other person is not willing to listen, you may have to get away from the problem you wanted to solve and go to the greater problem–the inability to solve problems or the inability to hear feedback.

If your car veers into another lane while driving, you can fix the problem by turning the steering wheel and getting back into the appropriate lane. If, however, the steering wheel does not work, you have a different problem to address. It is the same with relationships. If the feedback and correction is not working, you may need to address that problem before the other ones. You may have to call in a third party if the person cannot hear it from you.

Clarify to Make Sure They Understand and You Have Agreement

Sometimes, at the end of a confrontation, it is helpful to ask the person to say back to you what he has heard. This way you can clear up any confusion as well as draw out any lingering feelings that might interfere with resolution. Then you can both go away with the same understanding of what the issue was.

Don’t Go It Alone

You don’t have to do the confrontation alone. In fact, in some cases it is unwise to do so. This is what an “intervention” is–several people coming together to help put an end to a pattern of behavior. If you do an intervention, get the help of an objective person who knows how to run one.

At other times, you may want someone present for support or to be a witness to what happens. This is often done in business situations with employee discipline. Sometimes you may need someone to help do the work of the confrontation itself. The person you are confronting may be too difficult for you to handle alone.

Progressively “turn up the heat” if someone is difficult. But bringing someone along does more than turn up the heat; it adds strength to you as the confronter, aiding your ability to get the job done.

Telling someone else that they are out of line is a tough assignment. It has the greatest possibility for miracle cures and turnaround, but also for disappointment.