If It Didn't Work Before, Don't Do It the Same Way Again
Aug 22, 2022
Sorry is not good enough. If someone has wronged you and they are asking for, or you want to extend them, a second chance, then something has to be different. True repentance can be seen in the real “fruit,” or results, it produces.
If you “go back,” make sure that you are going forward.
That way you are not going backward just to repeat what has already been. You are truly moving forward because something tangible is different. Someone being “sorry” (ourselves included) is not enough; just missing the good parts of what was is not reason enough to return; going back to assuage the pain–temporarily, mind you–is not enough. Life is meant to be forward moving, not backward. Make sure that if you “go back,” you’re not going back to the same thing.
We see this in business and in relationships. Someone has ended the relationship because of what went wrong, such as deception and dishonesty, or a dangerous lack of personal responsibility, or other behaviors that violated the relationship. They move on for a while, only to go back and do it all over again. For some reason, they think it will be different this time. Yet they find themselves back where they were to start with.
Remember: There is a reason it did not work. If you are going back, make very, very sure that reason is no longer there. You need to see more than just a “sorry” or a commitment to make it work “this time.” You need to see a real, verifiable change. People do change, and people do learn. Situations change; dynamics that were once present and making something not work can be different now. People build skills, learn new things, develop new capacities, etc. That is what life is about, and all of our lives hopefully are in a direction of getting better, not worse. Just make sure that is the case before you “go back” to anything.
Me, You, or It
If you are considering going back to anything that did not work or that you had a good reason for leaving, look at three categories of possible change, asking these questions:
- Am I different in some way that would make this work?
- Is the other person or persons different in some way that would make this work?
- Is the situation fundamentally different in some way that would make this work?
Am I Different
Sometimes you are the one who did the leaving and has changed. I see this often in family businesses where an adult child leaves the family business either because of conflict with the parent-boss or a drive to “make it on their own” or because they have simply not grown up in some way. So things don’t work out, and they leave.
Time passes, the adult child works in other places, experiences failures and successes, or gets the “need to be on my own” out of their system. They have grown up, feel less like a child under the parent’s control, or whatever. They come back into the business and it is very successful, fulfilling, and everyone is happy. But the important thing to note is that the child has truly changed and matured.
If you are that adult child, be honest in examining your reasons for going back: Have you grown up and matured and now feel ready to settle down or move back to your hometown? Or are you coming back simply because things didn’t work out for you and you need a rescue? Hard questions that must be answered.
Sometimes going back can work when expectations have changed or matured and the wish for something different has been given up. I see that sometimes in marriages that are put back together and reconciled. But if the relationship is going to work, something must be different in the expectations of the one who left and is coming back. If you’re the one who left and now want to return, look at yourself to see if you have truly changed or are simply coming back because you’re lonely or sad. There must be something different in you if you want to make something work that didn’t work before. Likewise, if you are the one who stayed, before taking back the one who left, ask yourself, “What is different? In me or the other person?”
If you have had problems with addiction or self-centeredness or being overreactive, controlling, or perfectionistic, you must make significant changes for things to be different. If you go through a meaningful awakening or get into real recovery or take a chill pill or mature in relationship skills, then something truly is new. Then, when you go back to your spouse or significant other, you will be going forward not backward. The relationship has a chance of working because you are a different person.
The key here is this: if you are going back to a job, person, relationship, town, or whatever, the question to ask is, Have I changed in some significant way so that what I am going back to is truly what I want and what I am capable of making work? Not just because I desire for it to work, but because I am different in a way that will make the relationship or situation different? Is this a going forward or a going backward? In what tangible way has my change proven itself? Where is the “fruit” in my life?
Is the Other Person Different?
In the second instance, the question to ask is, Is the other person or persons different in some way that would make it work? If we left something because another person’s behavior or character was unacceptable–not our own expectations or reactions–how is that person different now and in what tangible way is that fruit being lived out?
For example, if you left someone because of their addiction, do not return just because the person says they are sorry and won’t do “that” anymore. Return when sorry has shown fruit, like involvement in a recovery program and a track record of sobriety. Or if it was a character issue, has there been a change in spiritual and personal growth that is showing trustable results?
Just because someone is sorry does not mean they have changed. It may mean they want to be different, but you must be able to see tangible fruit to know the change is real. Forgive people freely for the past; but in order to trust them for the future, you need to see tangible changes.
Is the Situation Different?
In the third instance, there must be some real change in the situation that would make it work. The company has new ownership, the market is different, the circumstances or conditions of the relationship have changed in some definitive way, or different people are involved in the situation. Look for tangible evidence of change for the better so that you will be going forward not backward.
When thinking of going back, think of it this way: next year is next year, not last year. Tomorrow is tomorrow, not yesterday. God has designed life in a way that is forward-moving. As time moves forward we grow, develop, and transform into newer, more complete, and mature lives. Unless… we are stuck. And there is no better way to remain stuck than to repeat what has already been. The last thing you want to do is relive the past all over again. Tomorrow should be new and improved–always!
