Retiring the Myth of "Self-Help"

Have you ever found yourself stuck, desperately wanting to change but feeling like you're spinning your wheels? Perhaps you've turned to self-help books, hoping to find the magic formula that will transform your life. But what if I told you that the very concept of "self-help" is fundamentally flawed?

Let's take a moment to consider this term that's become so ubiquitous in our culture. Self-help. It's a curious phrase when you really think about it. The implication is that you, all on your own, have the power to solve all your problems. But here's the rub: if you're the one with the problem, how can you also be the complete solution?

This isn't to say that personal effort and initiative aren't important. They absolutely are. If there's something within your current abilities that you're not doing - whether out of laziness, fear, or simple procrastination - then yes, you need to take responsibility and act. But that's not help. That's simply doing what you're already capable of doing.

Real help - the kind that leads to genuine growth and transformation - comes when we reach the limits of our own resources. It's when we're treading water, barely keeping our heads above the surface, that we truly need help. And here's the crucial point: that help must come from outside ourselves.

Everything we know about personal growth, performance enhancement, and positive change happens in the context of relationships. The Bible puts it beautifully when it talks about encouraging one another. The word "encourage" literally means to put courage into someone. We're called to support each other, heal each other, teach each other, confront each other when necessary, model good behavior for each other, and provide for one another's needs.

To truly grow, we must reach beyond ourselves. We need to connect with God and with other people. But not just any people - we need individuals who bring something valuable to our growth journey.

So what should we look for in these growth-catalyzing relationships? First, we need people with positive energy - those who genuinely want to see us succeed and are willing to come alongside us, even picking us up when we can't stand on our own. But energy alone isn't enough. We also need people with wisdom, intelligence, and relevant experience.

Let's face it: advice is cheap. Anyone can tell you what they think you should do. But wisdom - true, hard-earned wisdom - is priceless. Look for people who have walked the path you're on, who have helped others in similar situations, who have a track record of facilitating real change.

Now, let's talk about how this process of growth through relationship actually works. It's fascinating, really. Our brains are wired to internalize functions from the outside world. Think of a toddler learning to cross the street safely. At first, it's the parent constantly reminding them to stop and look both ways. But over time, that external voice becomes internalized. The child stops at the curb on their own, hearing that protective voice in their head.

The same principle applies to emotional regulation, problem-solving skills, and countless other areas of personal growth. We learn these skills by experiencing them in relationship with others, gradually internalizing them until they become part of who we are.

This is why isolation is so detrimental to our growth. When we stay locked in our own limited perspective, we're like a computer trying to upgrade itself without access to new code. It simply doesn't work. We need that external input - that "download" of new perspectives, skills, and ways of thinking - to truly evolve.

So, if you're facing a challenge in your life - whether it's depression, anxiety, an addiction, relationship problems, or any other area where you feel stuck - I want you to do something counterintuitive. Instead of doubling down on your own efforts or seeking out another "self-help" resource, reach out. Open that door to the outside world. Connect with God through prayer and reflection. Seek out wise, experienced individuals who can offer genuine help in your specific situation.

Remember, it's not a sign of weakness to need help. In fact, recognizing when you need help and having the courage to seek it out is one of the strongest, wisest things you can do. It's the first step toward real, lasting change.

Now, I'd like to give you a practical exercise to apply this concept to your life:

1. Identify an area in your life where you feel stuck or want to grow. Be specific.

2. Reflect honestly: Is this something you're capable of changing on your own but haven't due to fear, procrastination, or lack of motivation? Or is it a challenge that truly requires outside help?

3. If it's the former, commit to taking one concrete action this week to address the issue.

4. If it's the latter, make a list of 3-5 people in your life who embody the qualities we discussed: positive energy, wisdom, and relevant experience in the area you're struggling with.

5. Reach out to at least one person on that list this week. Be vulnerable. Share your struggle and ask if they'd be willing to support you in your growth journey.

6. If you don't have anyone in your immediate circle who fits this description, research local support groups, mentorship programs, or professional help related to your specific challenge.

Remember, true growth isn't about pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. It's about having the humility and wisdom to recognize when you need help, and the courage to reach out and accept it. By opening yourself up to the wisdom, support, and positive influence of others, you're not admitting defeat - you're setting yourself up for real, lasting transformation.

So let's retire the myth of "self-help." Instead, embrace the power of connection, relationship, and community in your personal growth journey. You weren't meant to do this alone. Reach out, connect, and watch as new possibilities for growth and change open up before you.