Saying No to People You Care About

There is a problem that comes up when you need to say "no" to someone you care about, and it can come up on our side of the fence, or it can come up on their side. The problem occurs when people make an inflexible association between love and the word "yes."

People that do this wind up feeling like "If I am saying no to them, I am hurting them. How can I do that to somebody I care about?" Or "They're telling me 'no' and that must mean that they don't love me."

Saying "no" does not mean that you don't care about the other person. In fact, there are plenty of times when it may mean the opposite. First, let's define care as simple as possible. Care is wanting the best for somebody. That's it. Most parents don't let their children exclusively eat sugar all the time, and they restrict sugar intake because they love them. Kids ask for sugar, and if it's an inappropriate request, the loving parent says "no."

It is vital to understand that sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to say "no" to them. Sometimes the word "no" absolutely equates to care.

There are other times that we must say no, and it has nothing to do with the other person, it has to do with a need to care for ourselves. One of the key ideas of healthy boundaries is the requirement that we must be able to care for ourselves and protect what is good for ourselves in order to be best available to help and provide love and support to others. In those cases, we are obligated by our own sense of care to say "no." It is care that we extend to ourselves, as well as others.

Saying "no" can make people feel selfish and self-centered, but saying no to a specific request is not the same thing as either of those qualities. Selfish people are people who never share anything, who hoard resources, and withhold love.

In a good relationship, the other person will not interpret your "no" as a lack of love. They will respect your reasons for saying "no" and may even celebrate them if saying no allows you to do something good or that you wish to do. Good relationships require that each person relishes the other's opportunity to have and enjoy what is theirs, whether it's the last cookie in the jar, or their hopes and dreams.

When it is interpreted wrongly, that's when you get into problem territory. When you say no and they react badly, the problem can become even worse if it pushes the button inside of you that makes you feel bad, makes you give in, and makes you apologize for things that do not require an apology.

You need to learn to bridge that gap with various people, in various different relationship contexts.

Cookies? Probably not a big deal. But if you're a boss and someone really wants a promotion, and you care about that person, but they're not ready for it, or it wouldn't be good for the company, or it wouldn't be good for what you are responsible for, you need to have the freedom to say "no."

In situations like this, I like to use something I call the "no sandwich." The sandwich begins with care. This can make it easier to hear your no. When you start by affirming the care, it informs the other person that you are "for" them, and lets them know that you want a good outcome for them."

It sounds like this: "You know I really like and appreciate you, right? You know I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally or that I could avoid? I just want to make sure that you know that because you really mean something to me. But this promotion? It has nothing to do with my care or my wish for you to do well, and I hope it doesn't affect our friendship, but it is to do with the fit for the role and what we need here in the bigger picture."

Or

"I love you, and I care for you, and that is why I cannot do anything that makes it easier for you to use drugs. You might not understand that, but I hope you do. I hope you can hear it, but I do have to say no to that."

I'm saying no in the service of something real. It does not affect whether I care about you or not.

What we're doing there is understanding that hearing "no" may be difficult for the other person, and then we empathize with them while still setting a limit. Set the limit and empathize. Hold the limit, reaffirm the care, and empathize with how it feels to them.

Key Takeaways

-Saying no to people you care about becomes a problem when either you or the other person associates the word "yes" with love in an inflexible way.
-Care means wanting the best for somebody.
-Sometimes saying "no" is the best way to be caring.
-Saying no is not selfish.
-in healthy relationships, "no" is respected, and sometimes even celebrated.
-Use the "no sandwich."