The 5 Elements of Trust

We all know relationships are important, but what is it that enables relationships to thrive and grow stronger over time? It's a simple but powerful word: trust. Trust is the fuel that drives relationships forward. When trust is high, our relationships have energy and vitality. But when trust is low, we hold back and relationships stagnate.

At its core, trust is about safety. Your whole nervous system is constantly asking "Is it safe?" before you engage in any situation. When the answer comes back "Yes", you open up and invest your energy. But when the answer is "No" or "I'm not sure", you withhold and protect yourself. This happens instinctively, often without us even realizing it.

To build trust in relationships, we need to understand the Five Elements of Trust:
1. Understanding - Do we truly "get" each other?
2. Motive - Are we each acting with good intentions?
3. Capacity - Do we believe the other person can follow through?
4. Character - Do they demonstrate honesty and integrity?
5. Track Record - What has our experience with each other been so far?

When these elements are strong, we feel safe to be vulnerable. We're willing to open up, share our true thoughts and feelings, and give others the benefit of the doubt. We have confidence that even if there's a misstep, we can recover and repair together.

But there's a paradox here. While we build trust through kindness and compassion, we can lose trust by never saying "no". If we're always capitulating to please others, our "yes" loses its meaning. Healthy boundaries, where we can honestly express our limits, make our "yes" trustworthy again. People know where we stand.

This applies to our relationship with ourselves too. Self-trust means understanding our own motives, knowing our abilities and limitations, and building a track record of promises kept. When we trust ourselves, we don't put ourselves in compromising situations. We listen to our gut when something feels off. And we commit to our own growth.

So how do you strengthen trust in your relationships? Start by focusing on one of the five elements. Maybe you practice sharing your motives and intentions more explicitly. Or you commit to following through on your promises, building your track record. Small steps, practiced consistently, can shift the entire foundation of a relationship.

Remember, change is possible. People grow and relationships evolve. But change has to be demonstrated, not just promised. Look for objective evidence like someone taking ownership, making amends, investing in new skills, or sustaining new behaviors over time. Then, re-engage slowly as trust is re-earned.

Trust takes time to build and can be lost in an instant. But with attention and intention, we can create relationships of true confidence and collaboration. Relationships where we bring our full selves and inspire others to do the same. And that is when the real magic happens.

Exercise: Reflect on a relationship in your life where you would like to strengthen trust. Which of the five elements feels most relevant to focus on? Identify one concrete action you will take in the next week to tend to this element of trust.