Understand Anxiety by Examining Your Core Fears

This mental health month, we're going to focus on a number of issues that are affecting too many people. Today, the focus is on anxiety, and particularly on how anxiety is often driven by a response to some of our deepest fears. On the surface, their symptoms and stories seem unique – from the college student having panic attacks during exams, to the brilliant engineer who can't cross bridges without terror, to the lonely retiree whose agoraphobia keeps her shut in at home. Yet a closer look reveals that the roots of their anxiety share common soil. To conquer anxiety for good, we must dig deep and address these core fears.

At the most primal level, humans share an innate need for secure attachment, belonging and love. Our greatest fear is being cut off, isolated and alone. For those who experienced unstable or rejecting early relationships, this fear of abandonment can color all of their interactions. Any hint of conflict or disapproval in a relationship gets interpreted as a sign that they will end up alone. The anxious mind catastrophizes, turning a minor disagreement into an earth-shattering rejection. Sadly, this can become a self-fulfilling prophecy as anxiety leads to clingy, controlling or avoidant behaviors that strain relationships.
Another fundamental fear underlying anxiety is loss of control. When life feels unpredictable and chaotic, worry becomes a futile attempt to regain control by mentally rehearsing worst-case scenarios. People with anxiety tend to have an external locus of control, believing that their wellbeing is at the mercy of outside forces. They lack confidence in their own capacity to handle life's challenges. Building a stronger internal locus of control is key to reducing anxiety in an uncertain world.

Anxiety is also driven by an all-or-nothing approach to evaluating one's own performance and worth. The anxious mind sees only two possibilities: perfect or worthless. Anything short of a flawless performance feels catastrophic, a sign of personal deficiency and failure. This leads to a constant state of insecurity and dread as the person strives for an impossible standard and berates themselves harshly for even small missteps. Learning to find worth beyond achievement is crucial.

Finally, anxiety keeps people stuck by convincing them they are helpless and inferior. An anxious person may feel like a powerless child up against a critical and scary adult world. They may lack boundaries and have difficulty expressing their own needs and opinions for fear of judgment or conflict. Building self-esteem, assertiveness and autonomy can be challenging after years of anxious accommodation, but it is an essential part of healing.

If you wrestle with anxiety, I encourage you to try the following exercise to start identifying and challenging your own core fears:

Think of a recent situation that triggered significant anxiety for you. Write down the anxious thoughts that flooded your mind. Now examine them through the lens of these four fears. Were you worried about being rejected or alone? Afraid of losing control or being at the mercy of others? Convinced that you'd failed or weren't good enough? Feeling powerless or one-down? Name the underlying fear. Then write down a realistic statement challenging this fear. For example: "If my friend seemed distant today, it doesn't mean she'll abandon me. I can tolerate some distance in relationships." Or, "I can survive getting a B on that exam. My grades don't determine my worth."

By identifying your core fears and challenging them head on, you can begin to uproot anxiety at its source. This takes time, support and self-compassion. Be patient with yourself as you develop new patterns of thinking. Enlist partners in this work – a skilled therapist, good friends, a support group. And most importantly, keep confronting your fears by engaging in the life you want to live. The more you face your fears, the more you'll teach your brain that you are capable and resilient. That is the path topermanent freedom from anxiety.