Understanding How We Get Caught in Controlling Relationships

Setting aside the possibility that you are in an unsafe situation, such as with a person who is abusive in some way, the only way that a person can control us is if we give them control over us. We don't always mean to, but usually, we hand that power over to someone else, and then they use it to get their way.

When you are in a controlling relationship, it may often feel like you don't have choices. The reality is that we often do have good choices, we simply choose not to exercise them. One of the reasons for this is that we often feel as though we need something from that person, and then they wield that need of ours to increase their power over us.

This can happen through imposing guilt, fear, anger, emotional manipulation, withdrawing love, criticism, gaslighting, or any number of other forms.

People who are in a relationship in which they feel controlled by another person are often doing so in order to gain the approval of the other person. They allow the other person to hold onto that resource that we need. However, the need originates within us. We give away freedom that we would otherwise possess because the cost of holding onto it is something that we don't want to pay (like rejection, approval, or somebody being in a good mood and feeling happy with us).

In good relationships, what you're fearing is not going to happen. If you've grown up with others constantly trying to control you, then you will be wired to assume and expect that if you say 'no,' someone is going to reject you. That usually will not happen. Many of these are self-imposed limits. You are remembering a time when it truly wasn't OK.

Sadly, the more passive and adaptive someone is, fearing abandonment and rejection, the more likely that person is to be rejected and abandoned because they don't have a lot of power of their own.

If you are in a controlling relationship, you need to understand what needs you are trying to meet through that person and figure out how to get those needs met or resolve those needs in a healthier way somewhere else.

Key Takeaways

-We often hand over control to someone else, whether we mean to or not.
-Giving under compulsion is to give begrudingly. God loves a cheerful giver. Don't say yes when you really mean no.
-If you are giving control to someone else because they have something that you feel like you need, then either resolve that need or go find somewhere healthier to get that need met.
-Your resources (time, money, energy) are finite. You have to budget and be purposeful. Think: this relationship is going to get THIS much and that relationship is going to get THAT much.
-Giving in to controlling people is not really helping. All you are doing is enabling that behavior in the future.