Unsafe People Will Apologize Without Changing Their Behavior

"But he's really sorry this time," she said. "When I confronted him with what I knew, he cried and said he was so heartbroken about what he had done. I could tell he was really torn up about it."

My counselee was referring to her husband, whom she had discovered had been seeing another woman. She was being taken in by his "true pain" over what he had done and his promise never to do it again. However, he had made similar "confessions" countless times before. Each time, he was "so sorry." He cried and made very short-lived 180-degree turnarounds. This was the fourth time that he had been involved with another woman. And each previous time, he had been "sorry."

The truth is, however, that sorry is as sorry does. A synonym to sorry is repentance, and it means a true turnaround. But unlike the "spins" that this man had made, a true turnaround is one that lasts. That does not mean that there is perfect behavior after that point, but that the change is real and bears fruit over time.

To repent means to change one's mind and to turn around and be transformed. A wife of a friend of mine once said to me, "I cannot remember in the twenty-five years of our marriage that I have mentioned something hurtful that my husband did that he ever did again. These are trustworthy people because they are on the road to change, and their behavior matters to them.

People who apologize quickly may act like they are sorry or as if they are interested in change, but they are really leading someone on. They may say all the words, and some are taken in by their tears and "sorrow." but in reality, they are more sorry about getting caught. They do not change, and the future will be exactly like the past.

Again, the issue here is not perfection. People who are changing still are not perfect. But there is a qualitative change that is visible in people of repentance that does not have to do with guilt, with getting caught, or trying to get someone off their back.

The prognosis for change is always better when it is not motivated by a "getting caught" episode, but by real confession and coming to the light about what is wrong. Sometimes, when someone is "caught," he will repent and change, but that repentance can only be tested over time.

The general principle is to look for whether the "repentance" is motivated from outside pressure or from a true internal desire to change. Getting caught or adapting to someone's anger is not a long-lasting motivator. Eventually, the motivations must be a hunger and thirst for love for the injured.

I am hosting a workshop on February 21 called Can I Trust You? I'm going to be talking about apologies, repentance and change -- how to know what to trust, when to trust, and who to trust. Click here to reserve your spot!