What To Say To A Gaslighter

Gaslighting was chosen by Merriam-Webster as their official word of 2022.

Why?

Well, talk of gaslighting is everywhere these days. That wasn’t always the case.

Gaslighting can happen in any type of relationship, but it is particularly common in romantic relationships and relationships between parents and children. If you're in a relationship where you feel like you're constantly being made to doubt yourself, it's important to recognize the signs of gaslighting so you can get out of the situation.

Here are some of the signs:

• You are confused a lot of the time by what you are experiencing vs what your partner is telling you.
• You start to doubt and question yourself.
• Your view of yourself may change (usually for the worse).
• You might feel like you are doing everything wrong.
• You have the strong sense that something is wrong, but may have a hard time putting your finger on what exactly it is.
• You feel isolated.
• You question your own decisions, where otherwise you might not have.
• You find yourself always apologizing.
• You defend the potential gaslighter’s bad behavior to other people and make excuses for them.
• You feel powerless and hopeless.

One common gaslighting tactic is to deny that certain events took place, or to claim that the victim's memory of them is wrong. This can be done by outright lying, or by selectively providing false information that contradicts the victim's recollection. For example, a gaslighter might claim that they were never angry with the victim, even when there is clear evidence to the contrary.

But what do you say when someone is trying to gaslight you?

Here are some possible ways to handle this:

Person 1: "You're being too sensitive. You're overreacting to this situation."

Person 2: "I don't think I am overreacting. I'm feeling hurt and frustrated, and I think it's valid."

Person 1: "No, you're just making a big deal out of something small."

Person 2: "I understand that this may seem small to you, but it means something to me. Can we talk about it without you invalidating my feelings?"

Person 1: "I can't believe you're still so upset about that one small thing. It's not a big deal. You're overreacting."

Person 2: "It may seem small to you, but it was really important to me. I understand that it's not something you would prioritize, but it's still important to me"

Person 1: You're not really feeling that way. You're just trying to get attention.

Person 2: No, I'm not trying to get attention. I'm feeling frustrated and I'm trying to express that. Can you please listen to what I'm saying and take it into consideration?

All healthy responses to gaslighting involve some degree of self-awareness. Individuals must be able to recognize when they are being manipulated by another person. This includes being able to identify the signs of gaslighting, such as feeling confused, being made to feel as if you're crazy or wrong, or being told that your experiences are not valid. Once an individual is aware of the gaslighting, then they can begin to take the steps needed to address it.

A healthy response to gaslighting will also involve learning how to assert oneself in difficult situations. It is important for individuals to be able to stand up for themselves, even in the face of manipulation. This means setting boundaries, communicating clearly and calmly, and learning to recognize and resist attempts to manipulate.

Finally, responding to gaslighting should involve finding supportive people and resources who can help validate and validate the reality of the individual’s experiences. This could include seeking out support from friends, family, professionals, or organizations that specialize in helping victims of gaslighting. It is important for individuals to be able to talk to someone who understands the situation and can provide emotional and practical support. Additionally, it is important to understand that it is not the individual’s fault that they are in this situation to begin with.

Here are a few more responses that you can use when someone is attempting to gaslight you:

• "I know how I feel and I'm not changing my opinion."
• "I understand my own experience better than you do."
• "I value my own opinion."
• "I'm not going to question my own judgment."
• "I'm not going to let you manipulate me."
• "I'm not going to let you invalidate my feelings."
• "I'm not going to let you twist my words."
• "I'm not going to accept your false narratives."
• "I'm not going to allow you to discredit my thoughts."
• "I'm not going to let you control my emotions."
• "I'm not going to let you undermine my confidence."
• "I'm not going to let you distort my reality."
• "I'm not going to be a victim of your mind games."
• "I'm not going to engage in this manipulative behavior."

And of course:

• "I'm not going to let you gaslight me."