When People Get Angry at Your Boundaries

I love when people are first beginning to learn how to set boundaries. There is a moment that they sometimes find discouraging, but which I know is the signal that they're doing a great job. That moment is when they come up to me and say, "Hey, you know what? I did all that stuff that you told me to, and it completely backfired. Now everyone is mad at me. I didn't think it could get any worse than all these people walking all over me, but it really could. I've managed to make so many people angry at me. You said this would make things better."

Obviously, I don't relish their sense of discomfort, but I know that this will pass.

Why is everyone suddenly angry at them? Because none of those people are used to hearing the word "no," or getting whatever they want when they want it.

The problem is that we often train people to expect that we will give them whatever they want, whenever they want it. We do it because we're afraid of conflict, or because they have something that we feel we need, sometimes we do it out of a misplaced feeling of care. Whatever the reason, they've come to expect that we will simply cave and give them what they want. And once you stop doing that, they're going to get angry.

That's the reason that I am happy to see the anger rising around them. It means that they've finally put their foot down and set some limits about how they are willing to be treated by others, and what others can expect from them. People get mad because the way things were before was really working out for them. Once they hear a "no" or get told that they've hit a limit, they're like, "Hey wait a minute, we had a good thing going here, why are you doing this to me?"

So, bottom line, when you are beginning to set boundaries, you're going to run into some anger.

If you usually get pushed around into joining a family gathering that you don't want to attend, or pressured into spending Christmas at someone else's home, or if your partner expects you to be intimate whenever they want, or if you have a friend who always comes to you at the end of the month for their bill money, and you've trained them to expect you to give, and give, and give... when you finally stop and set a limit, they don't know what hit them. Sometimes they erupt in rage.

Once you've set a limit, you can start discussing an important concept: mutually agreed-upon expectations. You can communicate what you're willing to do and find a way to align with what the other person wants to happen. That way, when they ask about the family gathering you can say "Oh I told you I wouldn't be coming to that because Saturdays are my one day off, and I really need to unwind and recover." They may feel disappointed, but they are less likely to erupt again because you've set some mutually agreed-upon expectations.

People without healthy boundaries are often immature, and so when they get angry with you, you will pretty commonly see an immature reaction. You can deal with that by simply being firm around the limits you've set and the expectations that you agreed to mutually. If they continue to express anger over this, don't let it scare you, and definitely don't cave. Ask a friend if they would be willing to role-play an upcoming situation that has potential difficulties, join a boundaries support group, or watch some courses on Boundaries.Me.

The anger they're feeling is because of how things used to be. Now that you've set limits, it's going to take a while for them to catch up with the new you, the more assertive you. It will be worth it.

Key Takeaways

-We are often unaware of the way we train others to expect to get whatever they want from us.
-When you finally set a limit around their demands and what you're willing to do, it's not unusual for them to get angry. Hold firm.
-Set mutually agreed-upon expectations.
-Immature people may continue to express anger. You have to retrain them. Hold firm.